Where did I go wrong? When have I decided that I am worthy of a different kind of devotion.,,But now I know what I am. I now see what others see. My eyes failed me. My eyes betrayed me and caused me pain.I believed I was someone else but the signs are too obvious to ignore.I try and ask a friend, could I be that vile? The answers come faulty, I try to believe but the facts are as clear as a clean glass of water.Easily forsaken, that is who I am and why is it always this way? A question I dare answer! I am not afraid to learn the truth, what I fear is wearing a lie.I am someone who is unworthy of someone else’s patience. I am not good enough to be waited on. I overestimated myself and I am to blame. My value is altered and my confidence is resting in house of lies faraway.A new chapter is closed and I’ve learnt a great deal about myself.What was solid is now not, what was red is now pale.The lion entered his chamber and my chamber is made of rocks.I cooked my stones and I shall eat them.This day is a day of learning and parting. This day is a blanket of unhappiness that insists on meeting my tears.

10 minutes ago a car crashed into mine.
I was about to turn right but I stopped because it wasn’t the right time yet.
When he bumped into my car both of us parked and he rushed out of his car.
I got out of mine too and the conversation went this way:

The guy: I’m so sorry! Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine what about the car?
The guy: The car can be fixed, but are you OK? Honestly?
Me: I’m fine. I was wearing my seatbelt.
I looked at the back of my car and said:
I see nothing. Do you see anything?
The guy: No. I’m sorry. But really are you ok? Did you get hurt?
I saw his cell phone in his hand.
Me: I’m fine. Were you on the phone?
The guy: No I wasn’t.
Me: Really, were you on the phone?
The guy: Honestly I wasn’t.
With a smile I said: Buy a hands-free ok?
He smiled back and said: OK.

So I got into my car and I felt that the seatbelt was in my stomach!
But then again if I weren’t wearing it I would have been somewhere else.
I was remembering how loud the bang was and surprised that my heart didn’t even beat faster. And I wasn’t mad not even for a second.
I feel good.

01:11 pm
April 17, 2008

I’d watch a million sunsets for you
I’d live in sunset for you
I don’t want to fall in love with the end
I don’t want too late to be my friend
Willing to face my fear of forever
I keep falling in this trap
The trap of constantly altering the relationship in my head and by my acts
I keep searching for painkillers and I give them the need to find painkillers
Ants under my skin
Rhinos under my skin
It hurts so much I want to cry
It still hurts
Why is my painkiller taking so long to arrive?
It needs to arrive or else I’d have to search for a killer
Growing tired of untouchable sweet romance
I discard the wishes for a minute and again come to life
I get the chills running through my body
I feel the passion within me
I feel my heartbeats
I can hear them running around my body
The clouds already decided to invade my eyes
And they did
Heavy clouds trying to get rid of the rain of my past
Clouds that have blinded my sight for joy
I need a closure to this longest wait
I need it not if it’s not like it is in my head
I’ll slam the doors with my patience
I’ll open them up with my patience.

Body and intellect of mine left in torment.
Venom I inhale, and I exhale devotion.
Will your brilliantly patterned beauty lead to my deathbed?
My face muscles froze.
You can make them thaw.
Candy drama.
Why is the audience so brutal?
There is no other way to show my agony.
To speak I cannot.
Loss will result.
People.
Beliefs.
Pride.
To write I can.
Unsigned letters I also keep to myself.
They grow to be unsigned and unsent.
I would choke on my thoughts unless I get them out, somewhere.
Papers, pens, keyboards and screens became my salvation.
My escape.
My way to hold on.
What if my face muscles died?
The guidance of your magical self won’t be enough to bring them to life once more.
I need to drill a hole in your sky.
I want only for true feelings to come alive.
Superficial love is good when it’s true.
Affection is bad when it is not true.
Love is powerful when it is true.
Love is insane when it is true.
Love is sweet suffering when it is true.
Love is phenomenal when it is true.
Love is thrilling when it is true.
Love it fearless when it is true.
Love is hate when it’s fake.
My love for you is true, but I fear.
I fear only of losing you… or me.

The cold morning melts in my coffee.
As I drive out of the square I live in, at an early hour of the day, intense creations mugged me from the mug that’s held by my hand.
Not forgetting my coffee, only too busy to have a sip.
Old specifics crawl back into my world and I’m not ready yet.
I do not want to be ready.
I want new specifics to grow older… I’m not ready for old ones to be renewed.
I’d lie if I said I didn’t want to taste my old gladness.
Only the thing I need is just gladness stripped from what comes before or after it.
Only I’m not definite about it.
Only I know deep down, I’ll be hurt.

Intense creations.
What do I have?
What do I need?
I know of all that accurately and this isn’t a good thing.
What I have is not what I need.
What I need is out of reach, out of my reach.

I feel an 8am sunset.
The cold morning melts in my head.
The cold morning melts in my body.
The intense creations of my own aren’t enough to provide warmth.
I feel cold.

It has been a long time since I’ve written anything.
I guess it’s the feeling of sickness that’s keeping me from wanting to articulate any of my feelings.
This New Year hasn’t been what I’ve hoped for…
Two thousand and eight… not the expected…
I wasn’t expecting many things. It was just one dream and instead I was shocked with the opposite. My dream may come true in the following year; it’s not the issue here…
The problem is I’m facing many things that have been keeping me down constantly.
I thought the vacation between the two semesters would be over on the 10th of February, I was glad…
Can you believe a student wants a two-week vacation to be over? Well I did and guess what, the vacation won’t be over until the 17th… and this made me feel the opposite of glad.
The vacation and having less to work for is not the issue… I have many things to do and I still want more. Because I know that only having time to breathe and not so easily would help me get out of this sickness zone that’s been keeping me from living peacefully with myself.
I am not asking for much but who’s to understand?
People do and say things with a full amount of comfort not knowing that my whole day is ruined. They think I hurt them. But the fact that I don’t show my increasing anger to them is what makes them believe that I am not hurt too.
I miss the feeling of joy even when nothing special is added to my list of activities.
A good word or a good gesture from a person has a limited affect on me for I am hurt deep in my heart.
The opposite of what I love and believe in is drama… I hate being dramatic. So when I’m sad I know that I really am sad.
I don’t fake it, I don’t ever want to create it, it just hit me and I live with it, I try to raise my gun against it, fight it, kill it, but I know and you all know that it’s not an easy thing to do.
It’s ironic how I can overcome a feeling of sadness that’s caused by something that’s supposed to be hurtful easily, and in the contrary I find it extremely hard to forget a word, one word, a gesture, one gesture that’s caused by the wrong person. A person who I never expected to not understand.

I’ve reached a conclusion, a belief… “The best and the worst is the unexpected.”

Signed, Mai.

Mentally broken…
In a state so frozen…
Time passes by so quickly not caring about my wish…
I wished for time to be slower or maybe just reasonably normal, but when you’re with me time becomes faster than the falling star…
As soon as you’re out the door I find myself left with only ashes in-between my hands…
Ashes that so quickly vanish even with still air…
With you, time becomes the two extremes.
So loved and hated… hated because it’s loved.
Time becomes the sweetest contradiction.
Time with you is tastefully pleasurable, but why does pleasure have to be so full of questioned pride?
It cares none about my wish…
When you leave, pleasure leaves too…
Time with you is the water… forever liquid, forever hard to hold.
I wish I could freeze it so holding it would be easier and slower for it to slip through my hands.
Time is different when you leave…
Nothing keeps it going except my thinking of you…
I think of you in all times…
Falling asleep with all the spotlights on becomes habitual, for my brain is so tired of working with thoughts of you.
You’re always on my mind except when sleeping takes me away from you…
But few times I find you in my dreams…
And wishing to always see you there becomes a ritual.
When you leave, time becomes my helper to carry on, and it becomes the enemy that I fight with all the power that’s left in me…
Time gives me the chance to think of you and happiness will be the result.
Time makes me want to send you a message asking how can you be missed so quickly?
But I fight my wish.
I fight time.
I fight time to show that I’m still strong…
I fight time to show that I’m not weaker than time…
Not yet… at least not yet.

15-1-2008

My camera is not a camera…
She’s not, not to me…
I consider the lens my third eye.
I see clearly with my two eyes, I can also be very observant.
But it’s all different with my third eye.
I always tend to see more details, more colors, it’s clearer. Much clearer.
I can see stories. I can see feelings.
I can appreciate the subject or object more.
This eye can help me understand every corner by itself. Even the middle can be the corner.
Even the wall can have a story and a meaning.
I love my third eye and I think she loves me too.
She always helps me learn a person or a device. She helps me learn chairs or hands.
She helps me learn what I like and what I dislike.
She helps me learn whom I truly love and whom I just don’t care about.
She helps me learn about the people I love for it keeps their movement still, their gestures frozen and their expressions framed.
When I’m looking through my third eye I swear I can be a different person, not because I changed, no. It’s because I see the scene differently without helping it,
It just happens and I don’t have the ability to explain it with words, but I try to explain it with the pictures I produce.
I love producing the truth, but I also love to alter it some other times.
It’s all enjoyable and makes me feel better in every way.
My camera is a person to me whom I really care about and take care of.
That’s why she rest at home for long times, I never take her with me everywhere I go because she’s better than that.
I feel the need to take her with me less often; I want to take her some place where she can be truly happy of what she’s seeing. What I see through her.
She’s someone who helped me with my personality, changed me in some ways.
Helped me rise up with my confidence for it helped me receive more praise than I’ve received before. This is not the only reason because what people say is not what I care about the most.
It helped me because she makes me produce things that I am proud of, scenes, movements, feelings, emotions, abilities and disabilities.

I’m thankful to have her in my life and I’m also thankful that throughout the days she’s always been there for me. Since the day I’ve held her and through the days when I was trying to learn her and what she can do, to this very moment.

May your love in my heart grow stronger and deeper.
Signed, sincerely me.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/gdq8/

The eyes.
The eyes.
Indescribable.
Are they the eyes of an angel?
I haven’t seen an angel, how could I say…
Are they the eyes of a human being?
I have seen millions, but those eyes are different.
It always has been an easy exercise for me to describe a person’s eyes.
No more I can say that…
A new state I experience… everyday.
Everyday began when I saw those eyes for the first time.
The first time I saw them… It wasn’t for the first time.
I may have thought they’re just a couple of more eyes registered within the rest.
The first time I saw the true stare.
The first time I felt the genuine effect.
The first time I melted in those eyes deeply, I knew I would be in chaos.
In the chaos of questions and observations.
In the land of wonder and enigma.
Helpless thoughts invade my chain of events.
They leave me with my lack of comprehension of those indescribable eyes.
Helpless thoughts invade my Tuesdays, Fridays, Mondays, Saturdays, Wednesdays, Sundays, and Thursdays.
How can anybody describe eyes?
I don’t see colors.
I don’t see how wide or small they are…
Eyelashes? No.
But I see how bottomless they are.
How deep those eyes are.
I see a sea of emotions. My emotions.
I see a planet I know nothing about.
A planet where I can be safe.
A planet where I can practice art like I never did before.
A planet where I have to be so inconsistent. Again and again.
Can I describe them as beautiful?
I don’t know…
Beauty is a relative matter.
Can I describe them as deadly?
I can…
I look into them and I see a reflection.
A reflection of a hurricane…
A reflection of acid rain…
A reflection of a volcano…
A reflection of guns blazing…
My reflection.
It didn’t take long for me to realize that those eyes have the ability to arrest my entire attention.
My brain is full of still captures of those eyes.
A film roll that is never ending…
One after the other…
They roll down my eyes…
Down to my heart…
To my soul.
Those colorless eyes are colored with the rainbow of my feelings.
Those colorless eyes are colored with the fire that burns my organs.
Those colorless eyes are colored with days that pass by to collide in my lap.
It didn’t take long for me to realize that those eyes are the fists that are gripping my heart.
It didn’t take long for me to realize that those eyes are the books that can make me learn myself.
It didn’t take long for me to realize that those eyes are the magicians who can let me erase previous beliefs.
They say eyes can talk, I say eyes can change a life.

Remember, relive, recall…
Secretly, childishly, heavily, unconsciously, scenically, naturally…
All the things, everything…
Every step
Every breath
Every move
Every word
Every sound
Every debate
Every agreement
Every compliment
Every silly joke
Every good joke
Every sip on every drink
Every shirt
Every phone call
Every color
Every goodbye
Every hair
Every scent
Every question
Every answer
Every nail
Every laugh
Every gesture
Every idea
Every good morning
Every good night
Every smile
Every craze
Every curse
Every blessing
Every meeting
Every day
Every eye contact
Every conversation
Every meal
Every hug
Every activity
Every touch
Every wish
Every plan
Every like
Every dislike
Every fact
Every excitement
Every drive by
Every song
Every sofa
Every number
Every metal handle
Every tissue
Every kiss
Every ticket
Every car seat
Every gift
Every photograph
Every pilgrimage
Every gadget
Every mark
Every letter
Every hello
Every weather condition

Every detail I miss…