Two thousand and eight.

It has been a long time since I’ve written anything.
I guess it’s the feeling of sickness that’s keeping me from wanting to articulate any of my feelings.
This New Year hasn’t been what I’ve hoped for…
Two thousand and eight… not the expected…
I wasn’t expecting many things. It was just one dream and instead I was shocked with the opposite. My dream may come true in the following year; it’s not the issue here…
The problem is I’m facing many things that have been keeping me down constantly.
I thought the vacation between the two semesters would be over on the 10th of February, I was glad…
Can you believe a student wants a two-week vacation to be over? Well I did and guess what, the vacation won’t be over until the 17th… and this made me feel the opposite of glad.
The vacation and having less to work for is not the issue… I have many things to do and I still want more. Because I know that only having time to breathe and not so easily would help me get out of this sickness zone that’s been keeping me from living peacefully with myself.
I am not asking for much but who’s to understand?
People do and say things with a full amount of comfort not knowing that my whole day is ruined. They think I hurt them. But the fact that I don’t show my increasing anger to them is what makes them believe that I am not hurt too.
I miss the feeling of joy even when nothing special is added to my list of activities.
A good word or a good gesture from a person has a limited affect on me for I am hurt deep in my heart.
The opposite of what I love and believe in is drama… I hate being dramatic. So when I’m sad I know that I really am sad.
I don’t fake it, I don’t ever want to create it, it just hit me and I live with it, I try to raise my gun against it, fight it, kill it, but I know and you all know that it’s not an easy thing to do.
It’s ironic how I can overcome a feeling of sadness that’s caused by something that’s supposed to be hurtful easily, and in the contrary I find it extremely hard to forget a word, one word, a gesture, one gesture that’s caused by the wrong person. A person who I never expected to not understand.

I’ve reached a conclusion, a belief… “The best and the worst is the unexpected.”

Signed, Mai.